Missing....and Maybe Found

Five years ago, around this time, I was returning to work after my second mental health breakdown. I’ve shared bits of that story before, how I broke down in the middle of work during Covid, how anxiety had me around the neck, how life felt impossibly heavy.

During my time off, I was grateful (deeply, deeply grateful) for good therapists, tissues that didn’t scratch my face, and coffee that didn’t get cold immediately during those long, hard conversations. Therapy was a lifeline, even if it sometimes felt like being gently dismantled and reassembled with honesty and tears.

One day after a session, I wrote this poem:

Missing
I've lost someone.
Perhaps I should describe?
She has a twinkle in her eye and a spring in her step.
She thinks she can, and she usually does.
She's up for an adventure and smiles easily.
I've just started looking for her.
I hope I can find her.
I really miss me.

At that time, I was struggling in every way. I didn’t feel like myself, and it was horrible to feel so flat, to feel like I was existing, going through the motions, while life felt serious and heavy. That wasn’t who I was, or at least, not who I remembered being.

Since then, I returned to work and later chose to leave. I’ve been working hard in therapy, looking after myself, and climbing uphill with many, many pauses (some of them involved cake, just for honesty’s sake).

And you know what? I think I might have found me again.

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A Mirror Moment

Last week, I told my therapist, “You know, I looked in the mirror, and for the first time in years, maybe 12 years, I smiled at myself.”

I saw a twinkle in my eye.

I looked alive.

I felt proud of myself, instead of ashamed.

It was such a good feeling that it’s hard to put into words, but I’m sharing it because I want you to know that recovery is possible. I share these short blog posts to scatter seeds of hope, and while I can’t capture every detail of how I got here, I can tell you that small steps, therapy, community, faith, creativity, and self-compassion have been part of it.

And that it’s worth it.

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A Weekend of Community and Creativity

This weekend, I felt me again.

As secretary of the Kirkham Cultural Consortium (a job title that sounds far more serious than the joyful chaos it sometimes is), I’ve spent the past year helping plan a community art project. This weekend was the culmination of a huge project, filled with laughter, teamwork, and the kind of smiles that hurt your cheeks in the best way.

Community and creativity are two of my deepest core values (alongside faith and always having a snack in your bag, just in case). This weekend was full of both. It felt like being alive, not just existing.

I’ll share some photos soon of the bright colours, children dancing, neighbours chatting, and art everywhere. They are a reminder that community can be medicine, too.

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World Watercolour Month & A Little Hope Rising

This July is World Watercolour Month, and my first illustration is of me, looking at myself in the mirror, seeing that twinkle in my eye and smiling.

And I’m feeling hope rising.

Hope for me to continue living with that twinkle, to keep noticing moments of lightness and connection. Hope that maybe I’ll write a new poem soon, one called Found.

And hope for you too, if you’re feeling flat, lost, or exhausted.

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If you’re in that place where you’re missing yourself, where life feels heavy, and you can’t quite see the way forward, please know that there is hope. Recovery can look different for each of us, but it is possible. And if you need help finding support, please reach out. I’d be honoured to help you find someone to walk alongside you on your journey.

Here’s to life with many more smiles, the courage to keep going, and the quiet celebration when we catch a glimpse of ourselves again in the mirror, twinkle and all.

With you❤️

“Have you ever felt like you lost yourself? What small moments helped you find glimmers of hope again? I’d love to hear.”